Navigating cultural identity, generational trauma among children of Afghan diaspora

By Asma Sahebzada

The Tricolour Afghan Flag with the national emblem. Photo Credit: Courtesy/natanaelginting on Freepik

There was a point in her life when Sara Roshana Stanizai was embarrassed to tell others she was Afghan. 

She was born and raised in Los Angeles after her parents moved from Afghanistan in 1979 as refugees. During that year, Afghanistan was invaded by the Soviet Union, sparking the first wave of the Afghan diaspora. 

Stanizai is a licensed marriage and family therapist with more than 10 years of therapy experience, running and operating a therapy practice called Prospect Therapy that focuses on the mental health of immigrants, refugees, and children of the diaspora, as well as the queer and trans communities. 

Before the forming of Prospect Therapy, it took Stanizai a long time to accept her heritage and to connect to her community. 

She felt she couldn’t embrace her heritage as an Afghan American because she regarded the Western perception of her ethnic country as true, despite her experiences with her progressive and supportive family. 

“I bought into the messages that I saw in mainstream media about us being oppressive or backwards,” Stanizai said. “I came of age and I grew up when the Taliban was taking over and they were like, ‘This is Afghanistan,’ and I was like, ‘What?? No, it’s not.’”

These constant negative images and opinions of Afghanistan, she observed, led to feeling disconnected from her heritage along with the pressures that come with being the oldest daughter in her family. 

According to the Cultural Atlas, like many other cultures, Afghan women’s roles are traditionally centred around the household. This acts as a barrier for women who want to express themselves outside of these tight roles. 

Being the middle child and the oldest daughter, Stanizai found it difficult to embrace Afghan culture as she associated it with the role someone her age and gender were expected to play. 

“I didn’t like that I was the one who had to serve the tea even though I was like ‘The boys didn’t have to,’” she said. 

Sara Roshana Stanizai of Prospect Therapy. Photo Credit: Courtesy/Sara Stanizai

For many children of the Afghan diaspora, finding a sense of cultural identity in a place far away from home can be difficult. It is more difficult when a child loses connection to their ethnic culture while also being not quite accepted by the society of their new country or feeling they don’t belong in the country they settled. 

Growing up, Stanizai said she was a “really shy over-achiever.” At a young age, she experienced a trauma that affected her childhood and upbringing. 

“I was really traumatized and I became very controlled and perfectionistic,” she said. “In school, I was always the good kid getting good grades.”

Part of the behaviour change came from cultural expectations, being the eldest daughter, trauma, and the pressure to do good in school, Stanizai said. 

Generally, children of the diaspora share a similar experience of wanting to fit into their new homes in which there is a misconception that this could be done by only embracing their new culture and cutting all ties to their ethnic culture.

Stanizai said by the time she was in high school, she wanted to fit in with her white American peers and became a “goth kid,” finding a liking for heavy metal music. 

“I really wanted to be white-passing or I at least did not want to look Afghan, so I just very much embraced American culture,” she said. “I was fully into American culture and Afghan culture to me became like an obligation or a drag.” 

Stanizai’s L.A. school was diverse with some Persian and Arab students, but she said she didn’t fit in with them as well. She can’t recall having other Afghans to converse with at school because she hid her ethnicity. 

Disassociating from one’s ethnic culture and community could have lasting effects on their self-worth and identity. Throughout her teenage and adult years, Stanizai felt something was missing in her life. 

“I have gone through therapy, I have gone to graduate school, I have made my career, I was in relationships. I was a functioning adult and still there was something missing,” she said. 

In Canada, multiculturalism has shaped the country’s identity as a nation since 1971 when Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau announced the multiculturalism policy, federally protecting and promoting diversity. 

Canada accepted millions of immigrants and refugees from all over the globe which, by 2021, make up around 23 per cent of the country’s total population, a Statistics Canada report says. 

Statistics Canada’s 2016 census data shows more than 83,995 Afghans have settled in the country, with the majority living in major cities such as Toronto, Montreal and Vancouver. 

For Afghan-Canadians like Hadia Rafiqzad, multiculturalism acts as a shield to freely practice the culture.  

Rafiqzad, a 24-year-old public health master’s student at McMaster University, arrived in Toronto in 2003 at the age of four after she and her mother were sponsored by her father who came to Canada three years earlier. Her father didn’t expect the sponsorship process to take more than a year, but it was delayed due to the Sept. 11 attacks in 2001. 

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Hadia Rafiqzad, 24, moved to Canada in 2003 at the age of four. Photo Credit: Courtesy/Hadia Rafiqzad

For Afghans of the diaspora, families being scattered around the world and long waits for sponsorship approval are challenges that are unfortunate realities. 

“He tells me now that the three years that he spent here alone without his family were some of the most difficult times in his life, but thank God, we came here in 2003 and that's when I started school,” Rafiqzad said. 

At school, she fit right in as she found friends of the same or similar heritage and because she was young, she quickly learned English. 

“I found that growing up because we live in a very multicultural society, I've always been able to find a friend group where I found that I fit in,” Rafiqzad said. “I have a mix of Afghan and Pakistani friends I found that I could connect with and the friends I had in childhood, I'm still friends with today.” 

However, although Canada takes pride in its multicultural society and policies, the reality doesn’t reflect what is written on paper. 

Humber College Sociology Professor Mary Grace Lao explained that under the multiculturalism policy, everyone can practice their culture and it claims that there isn’t a presumed Canadian culture. She said this is false as many are aware that Canada has a history of colonialism and those attitudes still exist. 

From the beginning of regulating immigration in Canada, the policies surrounding who were permitted to settle in Canada were based on maintaining the British character, Lao said. Discrimination specifically to early-settler Asian immigrants, such as Indian and Chinese immigrants, was common due to Orientalist attitudes. 

“These things are embedded in Canada's policies, and even though they've been abolished, those attitudes remain because it's one thing to abolish policy but it's another thing to be able to abolish attitudes,” Lao said. 

Visible minorities in Canada are very likely to experience discrimination whether it’s microaggressions or harassment. Lao said that diversity and multiculturalism are not congruent throughout the country. 

“I don't want to say it's all of Canada, but there are certain pockets of the country and I think we might not see it as visibly in a place like Toronto, just because of the bigger kind of diaspora communities here,” she said. “But it's not to say that doesn't exist.” 

Rafiqzad wears the hijab, a choice she made since Grade 6. As a child, her religious identity as a Muslim Afghan wasn’t visible to others but when she decided to wear the hijab, she experienced discrimination. 

“I found that I received a few ignorant comments growing up, here and there, related to the hijab,” she said. “One comment that I've received before is, ‘Is your dad forcing you to wear it? You should speak up to him if he is.’” 

Despite her encounters with discrimination, this didn’t affect Rafiqzad’s determination to continue wearing the hijab. She fully embraces her Afghan culture demonstrated through investing in Afghan clothing and jewellery, listening to cultural music, eating Afghan food, and celebrating traditional holidays with her family such as Nowruz, the Persian new year.

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Afghan food served at a family dinner party also known as a 'mehmani.'  Photo Credit: Asma Sahebzada

Sounia Yosufi, 25, originally from the Afghan city of Herat, immigrated to Toronto from Iran with her parents when she was seven years old. She spent her early years in Iran, escaping the war in Afghanistan, and fit in because of the similar culture, lifestyle and language. 

The eldest daughter of a family of five, Yosufi said her experience growing up in Toronto’s Etobicoke neighbourhood was “great” as most of her memories came from school.

Yosufi grew up in a multicultural neighbourhood and said there were many other Afghan families in her community so she didn’t feel different other than not knowing English very well at first. 

Similarly to Rafiqzad, because Yosufi came to Canada at a young age, she said she had an advantage compared to other kids and was able to pick up the language quicker than an older immigrant would. She interacted with many people and got along with her classmates because of her personality. 

“I was very chatty and extroverted so I made friends easily,” Yosufi said.

She only remembers having pleasant interactions with her teachers and friends and said she didn’t experience any discrimination or ostracism that other children of the diaspora may face across the world. 

As she didn’t face any hardships in Canada such as discrimination related to her ethnicity, Yosufi found she was able to stay connected to her ethnic culture without being penalized by society. 

Despite integrating with Canadian culture and her peers at school, Yosufi said she has always felt much more connected to her Afghan culture and identity than her Canadian one. 

“I lived in Iran for seven years and I grew up learning the language and being there during my early developing years,” Yosufi said. “Because of that, I already came in with an appreciation and a strong cultural identity.”

However, she says the only time she truly felt Canadian was when she moved to Taiwan to teach.

Yosufi moved to Taiwan in June 2022 when she landed an opportunity to teach abroad after graduating with a master’s of teaching from the University of Toronto’s Ontario Institute for Studies in Education (OISE). 

“When I moved to Taiwan, I felt like that's the time when I really felt I'm Canadian,” she said. “Because when people asked me, where are you from, my answer would be Canada.”

Working and living in a new and unfamiliar country, Yosufi was able to realize that she had what she calls Canadian mannerisms and etiquette that set her apart from the locals.

Moving away from the country she lived the longest in made her recognize how much one’s identity is influenced by what one becomes accustomed to and their surroundings.

“I feel more Canadian when I leave the country than when I'm inside the country,” Yosufi said.

While both Rafiqzad and Yosufi feel more connected to their Afghan culture than Canadian culture, Stanizai’s experience with her heritage and fitting into American society was an example of imposter syndrome in the Afghan diaspora. 

Feeling othered by mainstream Canadian culture for a child of the Afghan diaspora could cause imposter syndrome. They may feel inadequate in both Canadian society and amongst their ethnic community as they juggle more than one cultural identity, each with separate expectations.  

This idea of not fitting in with both cultures is related to a concept called “hybrid identities” where immigrants constantly live in “a space of in-between” because their home life and who they are outside of the home, culturally clash, Lao explained. 

The norms of Canadian society and culture don’t match that of Afghan society or culture and Afghan children of the diaspora in Canada may feel lost in their cultural identity. 

A cultural clash Yosufi faces with Canadian culture and Afghan culture is the difference in societies. She said Afghans are collectivists while Canadians are individualistic and it causes a conflict between her identities. 

Stanizai said imposter syndrome for children of the diaspora is dysregulating.

“We grow up different from just mainstream American white kids because usually for them the expectations of their parents and their peers generally match,” Stanizai said. “We’re getting acclimated to American mainstream culture much more quickly than our parents and so it could be very frustrating when they’re our caregivers and we’re looking to them for guidance and in this way, we’ve actually surpassed them.” 

Afghanistan is a rich and diverse country and not everyone shares the same religion or language. However, Afghans are connected by their experiences of trauma caused by the ongoing war and hardships.

A majority of the Afghan diaspora left their motherland to seek refuge from the war. Since 1978, Afghans have been displaced all over the world and have witnessed horrific images of violence. 

Trauma caused by hardships and grief is intergenerational for Afghan families. Parents will carry this trauma with them and children learn this or experience the trauma through their parents’ behaviours and habits. 

Not only do Afghans of the diaspora face trauma through witnessing atrocities of war, but also through leaving their home and settling in a foreign land where they have to start from the bottom, learn a new language and adjust to new social rules. 

“People were getting disappeared by the government, people were getting murdered and you would never hear from them again,” Stanizai said. “We have actual true ‘big T’ trauma along with the stress of assimilation, the stress of displacement, the stress of family units with different value sets and cultural expectations.”

It's difficult for children of the Afghan diaspora and their parents to leave behind their histories and navigate in a new country, often feeling isolated and without any guidance from their community. 

Rafiqzad said first- and second-generation immigrants are more vulnerable to financial hardships so Afghan-Canadians may be more likely to live in low-income neighbourhoods which could lead to a lack of opportunity especially in resources for higher education.  

“Trauma comes with the stories of our parents and a lot of Afghans I’ve spoken to, a majority have suffered losses in their families with the situation back home in Afghanistan,” she said.  “Of course, that affects us in our everyday lives.” 

Western media depictions of Afghanistan being a war zone and only associated with danger are also an issue for children of the Afghan diaspora as well as the general public. The representation of the country as an unsafe and oppressive nation influences locals to form stereotypes. 

Young Afghan immigrants who saw those representations firsthand could drift away from their ethnic culture as they learn to adjust to their new country’s society. 

“If the media is constantly showing the war, then naturally, communication that we’re encountered with regarding our culture and community has to do with the war,” Rafiqzad said. 

“But we're so much more than that,” she said. “The negative perception of Afghanistan can affect how the youth here want to engage with the culture and the community.”

Because Afghan Canadians are newer immigrants to Canada compared to other ethnic groups, they don’t have role models or a large network once they arrive here to communicate what the expectations are or what they should consider as new immigrants.

This is why community integration is so important for children of the Afghan diaspora, so they could retain that lost culture and feel a sense of belonging with others just like them. 

For Stanizai, rekindling her culture and connecting to the Afghan community filled that void she felt. During this time, she also unwrapped other parts of her identity such as being queer to fully embrace who she is today. 

Today, she runs the Afghan Diaspora Women’s Group, an online group providing healing and integration of first- and second-generation immigrants of the Afghan diaspora. She strives to be a role model for other women of the Afghan diaspora because there was no one to look up to when she was young. 

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Sara Stanizai giving a S.E.E.D talk (Support, Empower, and Engage our Diaspora) at the 2022 Afghan American conference. Photo Credit: Courtesy/Sara Stanizai

Stanizai noticed a common trend of other Afghan children of the diaspora struggling with accepting and embracing their identity because they don’t know everything about it and they feel like they should. She said accepting parts of their culture that fit is enough to embrace their heritage. 

“When people start doing that, they really feel like it's a costume or they’re acting like someone that they’re not,” she said. “You can’t do cultural appropriation of your own culture. These are your clothes, these are your people, this is your food, this is your music. You’re allowed to even if it's the first time you’re doing it.” 

The Afghan Diaspora Women’s Group also has been enrolled by many women from Toronto’s Afghan community. 

In the Greater Toronto Area (GTA), a local non-profit organization called the Afghan Youth Engagement and Development Initiative (AYEDI) was launched in 2018 by Khalidha Nasiri.

Rafiqzad, who volunteers at AYEDI, is the operations director and said the group has allowed her to connect with other Afghan youth in the GTA. Here she can embrace her culture and her heritage outside of the home. 

The group has an initiative called the Afghan newcomer youth mentorship program that focuses on Afghan youth who came to Canada after August 2021 when the Taliban swept through the country. 

“It aims to enhance the ability of Afghan refugees to mobilize their strengths, promote social-emotional wellness, pursue higher education opportunities, and improve access to Afghan Canadian mentors and other resources that are available to the community,” she said. 

AYEDI’s most recent event, the Canadian summit on Afghanistan, was held on Aug. 13 and invited members of the Afghan diaspora and allies, community leaders, organizations and decision makers to network and discuss the current state of affairs in Afghanistan. This event focused on Canada’s role in advocating for Afghan vulnerable groups such as women, the LGBTQ community, and journalists. 

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    The AYEDI team at the mentorship program orientation held in March. Photo Credit: Courtesy/Hadia Rafiqzad

Groups like AYEDI and the Afghan Diaspora Women’s Group allow space for children of the Afghan diaspora to embrace their heritage while empowering their cultural identity. 

Afghan voices are often unheard and underrepresented in Western mainstream media and culture. It is especially important for the community to gather in spaces where they are welcome which promotes learning about their roots, as well as allow a space for healing with like-minded people who share similar experiences. 

“It's okay to seek support and especially as Afghans, our country has faced 40 years or more of war and naturally that's gonna affect how we lead our lives here,” Rafiqzad said. “My message is to not be afraid or embarrassed to seek support and to connect with the community.” 

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"My overall message to people who are trying to connect is that you have permission," Stanizai said. "You don’t have to do it right. You don’t have to know everything. We have the same privilege and benefit that everyone else has and we don’t expect you to know everything."